Telediction: It’s my party

Life has been hectic, so hectic that all I want to do is lay around and plan Instagram photos because I don’t want to deal with reality when I can craft it to my liking. Whenever things get a little too crazy, I always delve deeper into TV. I’ve been watching “True Detective” on HBO and obsessing over trashy Matthew McConaughey. That look really works for him, can we all agree?

True Detective


Photo on 1-25-14 at 2.45 PM

And I was like …



I started watching this show solely for McConaughey’s mustache because I’m “a visual person,” but also it’s on before “Girls” and makes me think really hard about every philosophical rant before I can actually scroll through Twitter and watch “Girls” without missing a thing.

Anyway, philosophy is the talk on a cereal box, whatever that means. Let’s start this thing.


The party episode: TV’s one instance where if anything can go wrong, it will. Characters will cry if they want to, even if it isn’t their party, but the whole night will be elevated to a status of much greater importance if we just believe it to be, right?

It’s Hannah’s 25th birthday. At 25, Hannah has kind of figured it all out, but she still has a long road ahead of her. I’m on a terrible slew of clichés that we’ll all just have to deal with because I’m pretty grumpy. I, too, recently went to a party and the night resulted in me thinking I broke my toe. Instead of thinking I should probably see a doctor, I thought ‘This would make a great essay.” So maybe I am Hannah – but I hope not.

All the elements were there to ensure Hannah’s party took a turn for the worst, but even then, it wasn’t so bad.

Hannah’s parents arrive in town to celebrate her birthday at a bar, but it seems Marnie really invited them to pay the bar tab. The magical bar password is “banana,” which is all I’m going to say about that because it is beautiful, and now I have to change every single one of my passwords because apparently banana is not as stealthy as I thought.

Adam’s sister, Caroline, pays a visit and extends her stay against her brother’s wishes. Dunham is playing the Wild-Child card on Caroline, which I understand its appeal but wish there were another way to portray her – though standing bottom-half naked waiting for her hosts to arrive so she can crush a glass in her hand to prove she’s mentally not-well is a pretty intense image. This is only the beginning of Caroline though, and from Adam’s description of her and my understanding of the show, I think it would be so interesting to get her and Jessa in a room together.

Back to the banana party and speaking of bananas, both Shoshanna and Ray are at the bar and they get a chance to talk. Pretty standard, awkward post-relationship conversation ensues, though Ray is increasingly self-aware this season (partly because of his age, partly because of his responsibility inheritance) and tells his ex-girlfriend that he doesn’t want to be friends with her. Shoshanna had the opportunity to say something deep, but all she says is a stuttered OK. “Girls” handles TV clichés well when it defies these moments and deflates emotional anticipation in a way that mimics our non-TV real selves.

I feel like with the amount of TV I watch (If you feel me on this one, let me know I’m not alone.), I sometimes tread dangerous waters, expecting more from life than what’s in front of me. More often than not, I wont get that cathartic experience I so often see on screen, and I need to check myself and make sure I’m not being a total character. I feel like everyone experiences this at some point when expectations are put against reality, and we can all thank that split-screen sequence in “500 Days of Summer” for neatly dividing our memories with title sequences in Helvetica.

Marnie uses the party to platform her sense of worth. After losing her job, living with her mom, losing her boyfriend and now dealing with an embarrassing YouTube video he uploaded against her will, Marnie needs this party. Everything is going well until she decides she needs emblazoned gratitude. History repeats itself on “Girls,” and just like in season 2,  Marnie grabs the microphone and makes a speech in front of a party and sings for a crowd of people not really interested in listening to her. What’s worse than Kanye West’s “Stronger,” is undoubtedly “Take Me or Leave Me” from the Broadway musical “Rent.”

The night ends on a pretty flat note, but while walking home Adam gives Hannah a birthday present. It’s kind of weird, kind of sweet – a necklace with his baby tooth on it – but it beats a basic Pandora bracelet anyway.

American Horror Story

Even in the penultimate episode of “American Horror Story: Coven,” the title of Supreme is still up-for-grabs. Finally, Cordelia explained why everyone suddenly has extra powers.

“Our powers always spike in times of crisis. This is one of those times,” Cordelia says, but it still doesn’t calm down Miss Robichaux’s witches from aggrandizing themselves. By the end of the episode, even quiet Zoe returns to put her name into the Supreme jar. Apparently everyone has the power of resurgence during times of crisis, and apparently this power is considered the ultimate power (or was that The Sight?) that makes witches believe they’re suddenly Supreme status. Of course, it’s not – but there’s only one episode left, so why ruin their fun?

Anyway, the witches are on the verge of ripping each other’s heads off while Fiona momentarily seems to accept her imminent death. She tells Queenie that the surviving witches will perform the Seven Wonders – concilium, transmutation, telekinesis, divination, decensum, pyrokinesis and something called vitalum vitalis. does a good job at describing just what the hell these mean. Though while the Witch Olympics are just around the corner, Queenie tells Fiona that she’s on to her. Performing the Seven Wonders is so powerful that it could even result in death – which we know would be convenient to the current Supreme.

While Fiona seems to be on a momentary lap of sadness, she still manages to throw some shade wherever she goes. She offends Queenie and the Voodoo community by calling Papa Legba some “half-baked Beetlejuice” which made me laugh, but also made me think long and hard about that Hot Topic joke I made about him a couple of weeks back. She also tells Cordelia that she could never really “lose” the power of The Sight after Cordelia pulled her replacement eyes out. Couldn’t she mention this sooner, you know – maybe when she called her daughter useless?

Cordelia regains the sight and sees through her grandmother’s necklace that Fiona is planning to leave. This is strange for TV because Fiona doesn’t really show any side of this, except when she shows up at the Axe Man’s apartment and he finds her plane ticket. We knew she wasn’t going to go off to some farm with a half-ghost Zatarain’s commercial from hell, even if he does look like Anthony Bourdain.

The Ax Man is so enraged by her betrayal, that he throws his axe right at her skull just as she’s on a tangent about her calico cat. He then shows up to Miss Robichaux’s academy to repeat history with the witches, and of course the witches prove to be stronger than him. Cordelia realizes the blood on his axe is her mother’s and she plans the Supreme Olympics. It’s really over – or is it? What if Fiona just brings herself back to life?

Meanwhile, in hell (literally), both Laveau and LaLaurie found their release from life only to live the rest of their death in hell, which looks a lot like LaLaurie’s basement/torture chamber. This time, it’s Laveau doing the toruting while Papa Legba watches. Laveau lands in hell after LaLaurie cuts her body and spreads her parts around New Orleans. Queenie outsmarts Legba and reminds him that if Laveau’s parts are scattered around the city, she technically can’t keep her promise to Legba. Every body wins, but actually, not really – not at all.



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Author: Claudia Marina View all posts by
Journalism student at the University of Florida. Sally Draper is my spirit animal. I love writing about TV and how it affects culture. Occasionally I watch bad TV, but reviews make it better.

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