Telediction: Ten Million Years Dungeon

Now that the thing has happened, I’m sure you all had ample time to calm down and collect your thoughts. But first, an outpouring of emotion:

Now that I got that out of my system, let’s play a game called “Clue: King’s Landing Edition.” Who killed Joffrey Baratheon? The murder weapon is obviously poison, and thank God that was a given because the list of weapons on “Game of Thrones” is probably endless.

Was it Sansa Stark, who fled the scene of her ex-fiancé’s wedding as soon as it was apparent that his coughing fit wasn’t just a product of wine going down the wrong windpipe? Sansa had every motive to kill Joffrey. He ordered her father to be killed and tormented her with the death of her brother and mother. Though, Sansa seems to be too much of a wimp to do anything about it though. The girl is full of rage, but her character wouldn’t willfully enact such an offense. She did have that deer-in-the-headlights look when Ser Davos came to her timely rescue.

So was it Ser Davos, who almost was beheaded by Joffrey and saved Sansa seemingly because she once saved him? That option is even more unlikely than Sansa, seeing that Ser Davos is the most minor of minor characters. Seriously, we couldn’t even recall what season the guy appeared in. Either way, he had something to do with Joffrey’s death if just by knowing it was going to happen because he knew exactly when to pull Sansa from the chaos.

The person who was immediately blamed for Joffrey’s death was Tyrion, the boy-king’s uncle, and you have to admit that Sansa’s timely flee from the scene of the crime makes him look rather suspicious. Tyrion was ordered to be the king’s cupbearer (i.e. bitch) during the wedding and was the target of ridicule for the royal wedding’s tasteless entertainment: a reenactment of the War of Five Kings with dwarfs. Even though Tyrion was the last person to hand Joffrey his cup-o-wine, it’s more important to question who handed Tyrion that cup to hand to Joffrey? Who ever killed Joffrey may have also wanted to threaten Tyrion. While anyone could have guessed that Joffrey would be a huge dick to his uncle in front of an international crowd of royals, I don’t think anyone would think that Joffrey planned to make Tyrion his cupbearer. But you never know, which leads me to my next suspect: Joffrey Baratheon.

Was this a suicide? Could the king just not take it anymore? What happened when he actually needed to consummate the marriage instead of playing darts with prostitute’s bodies until the wee hours of the night? Too ridiculous, I know, but actually nothing is too ridiculous for “Game of Thrones.” Still, Joffrey was King of the World (no pun intended, I mean … maybe) and power hungry, so I don’t think he’d give that up that easily.

The next obvious person-in-question would be the Tyrells. Margaery Tyrell and her grandma BFF had no interest in Joffrey except for his title. Now I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke kings. After failing with wannabe-king Renly, who was more interested in her brother than her, and being sworn enemies to the Lannisters, Margaery’s past would indicate a likely future to kill Joffrey, but even though the wedding was legit, everyone knows sex is what really counts in Westeros. It’s not until the marriage was consummated and a potential baby hell raiser brewing in her stomach that Margaery could really be considered the queen. However, the show did make a point to notice Margaery’s grandma offering Sansa a very public display of her condolenses. “Who would do such a thing,” she asks Sansa, looking at the Lannisters straight on.

In some ways the lack of consummation in his marriage, although through gruesome circumstances, must be a relief to the queen-regent Cercei. She’s the only one I believe had nothing to do with Joffrey’s death. Just take a look at her when he’s dying in her arms. Joffrey was a terrible person with sadistic behaviours and psychopathic tendencies, but nevertheless he was Cercei’s son, whom she loved more than anyone else.

Personally, I have a theory Tywin Lannister is behind this. Knowing that he was unhappy with his grandson’s foolish assumption of duties, Tywin much rather would have a new king who would listen to him and respect him, therefore making him the one who is truly in power but safe from the public’s critical eye.

Joffrey’s polar-opposite brother (who knows really, we hardly see the kid) could be the answer to Tywin’s prayers, but meanwhile, he gets to serve as the temporary king until Joffrey’s baby bro comes of age.

That doesn’t mean I’m ruling out Prince Oberyn of Dorne, who didn’t try to conceal the fact that his purpose for being in King’s Landing during this wedding was to enact revenge on the Lannisters for ordering the killing of his sister, Elia.

Outside of King’s Landing, Arya and the Hound are still on a journey trying to make it to her aunt’s home, so they are out of the question as well as out of the loop. Dany is on the way to Mereen, her mind preoccupied with burying slave girls every mile until she’ll undoubtedly raise hell in the next city she walks in on.  Bran has no idea what’s going on in King’s Landing, but in his search for the three-eyed raven, he knows he’ll eventually have to end up there.

Really, “Game of Thrones” set it up so it can be anyone (save for the outsiders) and that’s what made “The Lion and the Rose” such a spectacular episode. Part of why the series is successful is because it flips the fantasy genre on it’s head. We’re mixing crime drama and detective work with medieval flair. By adding relatable elements (relatable by other genres on TV and film), the events are much more manageable and while fragmented, the story hooks viewers. Fearlessly killing off one of the main antagonists was a risky move, but in doing so, the show reinvigorated itself and now a completely new drama unfolds for season 4. I’ll admit that the way Joffrey died was kind of lame. I’m not speaking visually. The poison scene was harsh to look at and definitely impactful, but part of me wanted him to be broken down and tortured the way he tortured everyone in the kingdom. Imagine Joffrey getting the Theon Greyjoy treatment. But what’s done is done, and I’m just glad we’ll never hear Joffrey’s voice again. UNACCEPTABLE!


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Author: Claudia Marina View all posts by
Journalism student at the University of Florida. Sally Draper is my spirit animal. I love writing about TV and how it affects culture. Occasionally I watch bad TV, but reviews make it better.

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