Telediction: Who runs the world?

This week was an awesome week in TV because it was, as my favorite literary character (and subject of my shrine) says, all about “Gurls, gurls  gurls.”


That’s Dean Moriarty aka Neal Cassady for you.

“Girls” season 3 premiered on HBO on Sunday, and “American Horror Story” is inching near its season finale on January 29. This calls for some Beyoncé. Ha, just kidding (but not really, you know how it is).

American Horror Story

Delphine LaLaurie got the flashback treatment in the opening part of the episode, explaining the beginnings of her sadistic ways. Kathy Bates monologues her character’s life story.

LaLaurie was the daughter of a woman named Lovable, born poor but married rich and thus able to procure a place in New Orleans high society. Upon moving to New Orleans, still without slaves, LaLaurie was forced to take on tasks that only slaves would do, like killing chickens. This awakened a sense of curiosity in her, and soon LaLaurie moved on to dismembering slaves. We see this first hand in a flashback, but in real-time, her monologue takes place in front of a gardener who injured himself trimming the hedges at Miss Robichaux’s academy and is now tied up in Spalding’s creepy doll room, awaiting his twisted fate.

Spalding, in spirit form, appears before LaLaurie and calls it a work of art. Flattering LaLaurie for the purposes of getting her on his side temporarily, he tells her he can help find a way to kill Marie Laveau and end both their states of immortality. There’s always a catch though. Spalding wants some kind of doll, which LaLaurie gets him by selling half the silverware in the house. Spalding freaks out over his new baby doll, which he’ll use fabulously to help him flip his hair when too exhausted to do it himself.




In return, Spalding gives LaLaurie some Benadryl.

At first I was like, what? Is Benadryl a sort of Kryptonite for Voodoo queens? (You never know with this show.) Spoiler: it’s not. Spirit Spalding’s still got it, and his sole motivation is to keep the coven pure. By definition Laveau is an enemy so she has no place in the coven as long as Spalding has a say in it. She doesn’t die, but Spalding proposes that LaLaurie bury her alive like Laveau did with her over a hundred years ago.

In other news, Supreme watch is still going on. No new deaths have occurred, but Queenie is back. She appears in the beginning of the episode, quitting allegiance to both Laveau and the coven. She claims she put together the dismembered LaLaurie, which would give her the power of resurgence and that’s why she thinks she’s the next supreme. The problem is, so does every one in the coven, especially Madison. Zoe is the only one who doesn’t force her supremeness down our throats week after week, and in effort to save her from the internal evils of the coven, Myrtle sends her off with Kyle to Epcot. Let that sink in … Epcot. (I’m crying over here.)

Cordelia feels useless and tries to get the second sight back, so she tries a bunch of potions until none of them work and she stabs her eyes out. YES. OUCH. “American Horror Story” actually showed this scene and I couldn’t look, so if anyone wants to tell me what happened besides Cordelia screaming, I’d be happy to hear.

Meanwhile. Fiona is still with the Ax Man even though I remember them getting into a fight when Fiona lost all her hair and was on the brink of dying. Love is blind, y’all. Anyway, the Ax Man wants out of his life of evil and suggests him and Fiona pull off their mission so they can go live in a farm somewhere. OK, like that will ever happen. Fiona is not killing every potential Supreme in order to live some ordinary life milking cows.

She, the Ax Man and Laveau show up to a meeting with the witch hunters where the most amusing thing that happened was Laveau ordering a diet Sprite. Also, they killed everyone.

There are only two episodes left of “American Horror Story” left this season, so let the frantic Supreme watch continue.

P.S. As always, there were many quotable lines this week. Let’s take a moment to appreciate some them.


–       “I love you more than jazz, baby.” – The Ax Man

–       “Here, take these tickets to Epcot.” – Myrtle

–       “Go to hell witch bitch.” – Harrison



I cannot help examine the state of my mental health and spiritual well being every January. It has nothing to do with the New Year and whatever lame resolutions society expects me to make. It has everything – well not EVERYTHING, 98 percent maybe – to do with those “Girls” promos that boast “Almost getting it kind of together,” or “Happily whatever after.”

These platitudes really speak to a girl eating cereal for dinner for the fourth time this week and taking up “creative” projects like painting her apartment a shade of green that really makes her roommate uncomfortable because she’s convinced herself she lives inside a Styrofoam box and needs COLOR.

If only “Girls” premiered a week earlier.

So the show propels us back to familiar territory, even mimicking season 2’s opener with a panning shot of two legs until faces are finally revealed. There’s one variable that’s always the same – that’s Hannah Horvath, but who she’s next to is always changing. In the past these shots have revealed her relationship with Gay ex-boyfriend, Ryan, and former best friend, Marnie. In season 3, Adam shares Hannah’s bed in a continuation of the brief happy moment from last season’s finale that was the second season’s never-ending shit storm. Adam and Hannah have seemed to work out their relationship. They seem healthy, but Creator Lena Dunham understands my need for awkward in the right doses, and briefly reintroduces Adam’s ex-girlfriend, Natalia at Grumpy’s, the café where Hannah works with her manager friend, Ray.

Adam is in focus in these episodes as viewers are trying to figure out if he really is OK. Adam’s in a much better place with Hannah because he needed her, and now that they’ve found each other again, things seem good. That is, until Hannah wants to harmoniously marry her friendships to her relationship. She invites Shoshanna and Marie over for dinner – a scene we’ve seen countless times before on this show, and Marnie takes center stage again.

Marnie’s crisis is never ending. She might as well have a giant tattoo on her forehead that reads, “I’M GOOD,” to tell people how she really feels, which is far from good. Charlie broke up with her and disappeared, (in reality, Christopher Abbott left the show after last season because he couldn’t relate to Charlie on a personal level. LAME.)

Dunham writes her characters so that you’re never too comfortable with them. Every time Marnie is on screen, she sucks the energy from the room and narcissistically tries to draw focus on herself. For Marnie sympathizers, I can’t see it any other way. The writer are really playing up Marnie’s negative qualities for successful mediation of the comedic and uncomfortable.

Shoshanna is used as a foil. We don’t see any internal conflict, except maybe that she’s living life without Ray, but that doesn’t seem to be the end of the world for her. Adam views both Marnie and Shosh as annoying, but surprisingly, he’s able to forge a connection with the two girls and with clinical and strait forward speech manages to reach out to them in a way that Hannah can’t.

The episode was pretty dull from where I stand. The premiere was so over-hyped that I forgot that not really much could be said in half an hour. HBO followed the premiere with another episode of girls, in which Jessa is in rehab and needs Hannah to come get her. Hannah and I take this plot twist as an opportunity for character development and revelation. This is what happens on the road as so many movies have taught us. Though, taking this notion on, the show brilliantly defies it and moves toward nothing. It’s a bold move, albeit boring. When Hannah, Shosh and Adam arrive in upstate New York to receive Jessa, they find out that the rehab center has an open door policy. Jessa just called because she needed someone there, even though it was completely for a selfish purpose.

Nothing really happened on “Girls” except a steady, almost invisible build-up of the stage where season 3 will unfold. It wasn’t great, but these episodes were clumped together for a reason. Two nothings equal something, even if you need a microscope to see it. Don’t beat yourself up over analyzing this show please, just enjoy the ride and try not to get your head stuck in a rocking chair.


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Author: Claudia Marina View all posts by
Journalism student at the University of Florida. Sally Draper is my spirit animal. I love writing about TV and how it affects culture. Occasionally I watch bad TV, but reviews make it better.

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